Ask Dana: Asking For What Turns You On

Ask Dana

Ask Dana: Asking For What Turns Me On

Build the confidence you need to ask your lover for exactly what you want

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Q: How do I get better at asking for what turns me on if I'm slightly embarrassed by it?

"In the bedroom, this hesitancy to speak our truth can manifest as guilt, shame, or embarrassment... our convoluted thoughts get in the way."

Hey Shy Girl,

Ohmygoodness, I understand this! As women, we were never explicitly taught how to communicate our sexual needs and desires to our partners. And without the tools, how are we to gain the confidence, let alone the words, to ask our lovers for what we want?

But never fear, Dana is here… and I have just the thing for you.

Here are seven steps to help you ask for what you want, in the bedroom and beyond.

1. Explore your resistance

As women, we give, and we give. And while things are finally shifting in our patriarchal culture, we have been pretty programmed to put our needs behind everyone else’s.

We feel afraid to ask for what we want. We feel resistance to speak up. But you know what happens when we continually do THAT? We don’t get what we want.  

In the bedroom, this hesitancy to speak our truth can manifest as guilt, shame, or embarrassment. Our partners want to shower us with sensual love, but our convoluted thoughts get in the way.

You need to explore this resistance. Think about the barriers holding you back from asking for what you want and ways to break them down.

  • Do you get uncomfortable when your partner is up close and personal with your lady parts? (Heads up: Your taste and smell are natural and can actually be a HUGE turn-on for your partner.)
  • Are you concerned it takes you too long to orgasm? (Heads up: On average, it takes 20 minutes or more for most women to reach orgasm. It’s less than three minutes for men!).
  • Are you afraid of hurting his ego? (Heads up: Many men find pleasure in sexually pleasing their partners and wish their partner offered more feedback.)
  • Do embarrassment, guilt, or shame cause you to shut down? (Heads up: Sexual pleasure is normal and healthy, just like you.)

And hey, if you’re a mama and you’re reading this? I’ve got a WHOLE chapter on this subject in my book, The Mommy Mojo Makeover: 28 Tools to Reclaim Yourself and Reignite Your Relationship.

2. Prep your body

To receive pleasure, you need to boost your body confidence. That means it’s time to get comfortable with your sensual body. Check yourself out in the mirror, sway your hips, touch your breasts, even rub yourself down with our Firming Cream with Pheromones and complement yourself as you do.

Then, take a mirror and look again. Down there. Gaze at yourself. Speak words of praise like, “I’m soft. Touchable. My p*ssy is beautiful in its own right!

Once you’ve taken a good, long look, explore and pamper yourself. Whether it’s grooming, a steamy shower, or simply touching, do what makes YOU feel sexy. Remember, there is nothing to be embarrassed about!

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3. Choose your sensual adventure

Now it’s time to determine what you want. Write specific erotic requests down so that your partner knows exactly what to do. Things like “longer oral sex sessions,” “a sexy massage,” or “lightly spank my bottom.” If you have a particular fantasy you want to explore, like the classic “hot wax” scenario, check out our Don’t Stop Massage Candle and write about exactly how you want your lover to use it with you. The more details you give, the better your lover can meet your needs.

Once you’ve written your desires on paper, practice saying them aloud in the mirror. This may feel funny at first, but it’s key to generating confidence and reducing nervousness.

4. Express yourself

Plan an outside-of-the-bedroom date night to share your list with your partner. Treat it as an opportunity to open up about your needs, explain the details of your desires, and answer any questions your partner has. If you’re anxious, bring your notes and read straight from the paper.

5. Relax and receive

Before you head to the bedroom, relax. It can be yoga, a hot bath, or a glass of wine, whatever works for you. Then, create a sensual environment. Change the sheets, light candles. Wear something that makes you feel sexy.

Once the loving starts, stay unashamedly present. Focus on the physical sensations your partner’s creating. If you become self-conscious or your mind drifts, intentionally come back to the moment. Breathe deep and imagine sensual energy circulating in your pelvis and let your breath travel throughout your body.

6. Communicate!

It’s all been leading up to this moment. You must give your partner specific feedback. If he’s doing something right, tell him! Would a different technique feel better? Tell him! Say things like:

  • Suck gently
  • Kiss me
  • A little lighter
  • Another finger
  • Stay right there
  • Don’t stop
  • I’m there, keep going!

Just remember, keep it specific and simple!

7. Practice makes permanent

That was nice, right? So don’t stop here. Abandon your embarrassment, embrace your desires, and communicate your needs. Sometimes it’s harder than others, but the more you accept and nourish your own sensuality, the easier it becomes to communicate openly and receive pleasure.

I know asking for what you want can be scary, Shy. But in the end, I promise, it’s totally worth it!

Sending all my love with a giant heap of good luck~


This content was originally written by Dana B. Myers and published for CafeMom. It has since been altered and updated.

Now, what about your thoughts? We wanna hear from you! How would you answer this question? What would your advice be? Drop it in the comments below.



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