Ask Dana: Is It Wrong To Fantasize?

Ask Dana

Ask Dana: Is It Wrong To Fantasize?

A rich fantasy life could lead to an even richer real-world sex life for you... and your partner.

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Q: My man and I have been together for what seems like forever. Is it wrong to fantasize about someone else during sex?

"Why shouldn’t we, as grown-ass sovereign women, have the freedom to stimulate our minds with whatever thoughts we want?"

Dear Normal, Healthy Human~

Let me shout this from my mountain top, aka my office:

Fantasizing About Someone Else During Sex Is Not Wrong.

I repeat -- Fantasizing about someone else during sex IS. NOT. WRONG!

In fact, it’s quite normal. And common.

Humans are simply not wired to find only one person attractive their whole lives.

Nor are we programmed to only desire what’s right in front of us. The proverbial saying Variety is the spice of life exists for good reason!

And let’s think about it: Kids have imaginary friends, and we think it’s “cute.”

We view it as healthy and normal.

But then… we’re supposed to shut down our imaginations when we grow up?


Why shouldn’t we, as grown-ass sovereign women, have the freedom to stimulate our minds with whatever thoughts we want?

Now, I get it. You want to protect your partner’s feelings. And somewhere along the way, we were all brainwashed to believe that we’re only supposed to have eyes for ONE person from the moment we get married until the moment we die? And that if we don’t, we should feel bad.

I just can’t buy into that.

And it doesn’t seem like you can either.

Because it doesn’t make sense!

And yet, you feel some sense of guilt.
In your question, you felt you had to justify that “it’s not cheating.”

Perhaps the fear is that if you allow yourself to fantasize about others, that you’ll inevitably act on those sexual fantasies?

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The act of fantasizing about someone else alone doesn’t lead to cheating.

What can lead to cheating is… Boredom in the bedroom.

This is a big one, especially for couples who’ve been together for a long, long time.
Because, after years with the same person, sex can become more routine than roller coaster, more familiar than fantastic.

It’s hard to be all hot and horny for your spouse, when you fart freely in front of one another over breakfast and have seen each other naked for years.

The mystery fades, the lust has cooled, the chase has ended.

But that doesn’t mean you just give up, which you clearly haven’t. IMO, it means you get crafty and creative!

And that means using whatever tools are available to you, within the boundaries of your relationship, to stay intimately connected and sexually satisfied alongside your partner.

And that could look like a rich fantasy life that you keep to yourself.
It might mean that you watch an erotic film and touch yourself a bit to “warm up” before you meet up to make love.

You could explore playing with props and accessories, together, to bring some of your fantasies to life. Get some sexy ideas on that by checking out our Don’t Stop Massage Candle, Skin Honey Kissable Body Topping, or Don’t Stop Kissable Warming Massage Oil.

You could shoot a sexy film together. (Be sure to talk about what you’re gonna do with that footage before you shoot it!)

Or do whatever floats your boat.
But, whatever you do, please do not censor your own imagination.

  • It’s your imagination that’s helping you stay aroused and engaged while you’re having sex with your partner.
  • It’s your imagination that may be helping you reach orgasm, which is creating a positive pleasure cycle between you + your man.
  • It’s your imagination that’s giving you the urge to say YES to sex, instead of taking a raincheck. And this alone will help you two stay connected and engaged and inspired to make love, year after year.

Your imagination may not be monogamous, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t.

When you fantasize, you’re able to explore your desires and turn-ons without acting on them in real life and potentially causing serious damage to your relationship.

You’re adding sexual variety, while boosting your sex drive, passion and arousal too.

And what could possibly be wrong about any of that?

So, if you can’t tell already, my take is that fantasizing is healthy.

The only thing I would suggest is that, as you fantasize about someone else, that you remember to stay present and engaged with your partner.

If your imagination has you off somewhere, say in the jungle, pressed up against the wall of a cave by a very tall, very naked Jason Momoa, hearing the waves crash as your own tide is rising... just make sure you’re not ignoring your partner, using him only as the physical tool to get you to the Big O.

Maintaining eye contact and intimacy IS important so that your partner feels seen and desired in the heat of the moment, too!

And with that, my dear, go forth and fantasize!
Enjoy every steamy scenario and racy rumination, without the guilt.

With healthy boundaries in place, the sexy scenarios that run through your mind will enhance your arousal AND your relationship in the long run.


This content was originally written by Dana B. Myers and published for CafeMom. It has since been altered and updated.

Now, what about your thoughts? We wanna hear from you! How would you answer this question? What would your advice be? Drop it in the comments below.

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