Ask Dana: Pushing Boundaries
Learn to ask for exactly what you want in the bedroom
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Q: I want to push the boundaries in the bedroom with my partner, but I'm not sure he's up for it. What if I freak him out?
"In the bedroom, this hesitancy to speak our truth can manifest as guilt, shame, or embarrassment... our convoluted thoughts get in the way."
Dear Wild Child,
Hello beautiful. First may I just say how excited I am that you are in touch with your desires to push the boundaries in your bedroom? A woman who KNOWS herself, is a woman who LOVES herself!
And as I’m spitting out sayings, I’ll add in this one too: “The couple that plays together, stays together.”
I firmly believe that if you crave an erotic bond that’s strong enough to hold you together forever, you’ve got to lift your lovemaking to the next level by adding in a healthy dose of imagination. So good on you for leading the way and bringing more sexy, creative experiences into your relationship.
Now, whether we admit it or not, each and every one of us has sexual fantasies and curious desires we want to explore. But to what extent do we allow ourselves to let them play out?
If you’re concerned about “freaking him out,” then I’m going to guess that the two of you have not yet let yourselves play out any fantasies or out-of-the-norm sexual scenarios just yet. And that leads me to address your question…
If your instinct tells you he might not be up for it, or that, gasp, he might even be offended or weirded out by your desire to explore more with him… then I suggest you baby-step your way into this new territory.
And as with most areas of our relationship, I suggest you start with communication!
Shut down your electronics, pour a glass and invite your lover to sit down for a sexy convo where you each ask and answer these questions:
What feels great about our sex life right now? Your answers could touch upon your sexual frequency, the positions you love, how you cuddle afterwards, etc.
What’s one specific sexual request you’d like to ask of me? This might be anything from having sex in a new location, trying out a romantic treat (like our Skin Honey Kissable Body Topping), or testing our a slower pace than usual during intercourse. Talking through these creative ideas is a primer to make it easier to talk about the wilder desires you want to explore.
- What kind of “new sexual energy” would you like to play with? And here’s where you get to share how you’d like to push your boundaries together. Your answers might range from sharing very specific roleplay fantasies you want to act out, bringing in a sexy massage candle like our Don’t Stop Massage Candle, or other scenarios the mainstream might consider taboo. Listen to one another fully and completely, without interrupting… and remember to never “yuck” someone else’s “yum”! Just because you each express a certain desire doesn’t mean you have to act it out in the bedroom.
You can also share that you’re worried he might freak out when you share your authentic truth here. Tell him that you’re nervous, and ask that he listens to you with an open heart (and an open c*ck!) and avoid judging or shaming you. Ask that you enter this sexy new territory together, as lovers and partners on a journey to share love, satisfaction and fun -- as a team.
And on a deeper level, I also urge you to look inwards and investigate why YOU’RE projecting fear and judgment on this area of your life and relationship.
Take a moment with your journal to explore these questions:
- Was there a time or moment in my life where I was judged, shamed or rejected for my sexuality?
- Where did I learn to feel shame around this topic?
- Do I actually still believe that I should feel shame or embarrassment around my desires?
- Do I have the ability to confidently rewrite the story I tell myself regarding my shame or fear here?
Seeking to understand why sharing your desires with your partner scares you through journaling may uncover some healing and acceptance around this for you. Have a conversation with yourself -- be a good listener to yourself! I think you’ll be surprised at the awareness that arises, as well as the confidence you can generate to share your desires with your spouse!
This content was originally written by Dana B. Myers and published for CafeMom. It has since been altered and updated.
Now, what about your thoughts? We wanna hear from you! How would you answer this question? What would your advice be? Drop it in the comments below.
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